October 23, 2008
Choosing Red or Blue
Thought Process Flow Chart for the Undecided Voter
From our email two days ago, just in case it passed you by.
Dear Red States,
We're ticked off at the way you've treated us Blue
States, and we've decided we're leaving.
We intend to form our own country, and we're taking all
Blue States with us.
In case you aren't aware, that includes California,
Hawaii , Oregon , Washington , Minnesota , Wisconsin ,
Michigan , Illinois and all of the Northeast.
We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and
especially to the people of the new country of New
Califoregon.
To sum up briefly:
You get Texas , Oklahoma and all the slave states.
We get stem cell research and the best beaches.
We get Nancy Pelosi. You get Sarah Palin.
We get the Statue of Liberty. You get WalMart.
We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.
We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.
We get 85 percent of America 's venture capital and
entrepreneurs. You get Alabama .
We get two-thirds of the tax revenue. You get to make the
red states pay their fair share.
Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than
the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy
families. You get a bunch of single moms.
Please be aware that Nuevo Califoregon will be pro-choice
and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens
back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask
your evangelicals.
They have kids they're apparently willing to send to
their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you
don't show pictures of their children's caskets
coming home.
We do wish you success in Iraq , and hope that the WMDs
turn up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in
Bush's Quagmire.
With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of
80 percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90
percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the
nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's
quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners)
90 percent of all cheese, 90percent of the high tech
industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living
redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister
schools, plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.
With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to
cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their
projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S.
mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent
of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists,
virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh,
Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.
We get Hollywood and Yosemite , thank you.
Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe
Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe
life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty
or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory,
53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent
of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher
morals than we lefties.
By the way, we're taking the good pot, too. You can
have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico .
Sincerely,
Blue States
Photo note: Note the star studded triangular expanse of the blue, in contrast to the twisted ribbon of the red.