March 10, 2006
Lost, Off the Path and In a Foul Humor
I'm in an inconsolable baby place on the most beautiful day since October. Waaaaa....aaaH, having awakened at four with stuck chi in my liver and spleen meridia, (the inside of my calves, for the uninitiated) anticipating the prospect of making the pain worse in a tai chi class at 8. My computer "failed" just as I was about to publish, my Friday check-in with Volatilda didn't happen, and now I have to wonder if I have a crisis of some sort on my hands.
And I DID go to tai chi, and the pain DID get worse, and I spent the hour choking back tears, and hating myself for not leaving (though I did signal my distress, and was rewarded with a bit of compensatory tui na.) At least Volatilda left a message that she was alive, though quite unhappy.
When I feel like this, I want to spoil and punish. Alas, the sweet Dakota I wish I were, goes directly down down the garbage disposal. And, again, here comes the shrew, the sadist, scanning for a victim, looking around for someone it will give me pleasure to hurt, to trick, to lure into a trap which will feed my abandonment tigers. Honestly, you do not want to go out to lunch with me on a day like today.
I know! I have been paying attention to all those hopelessly evil, satanic sorts in Washington and have, therefore, tasted of satan myself (a cross between buffalo chicken wings and ashes). Before I manifest more of what I don't want, I had better change my vibratory tune.
Start from where I am. I'm disappointed and frosted - at first these feelings are directed at myself. Then I find that it is so much more satisfying to take them out on someone else. Finally, I realize that I have the choice to sublimate. I can do something creative that will illuminate this less-than-attractive experience for others.
.
I shall write a bad poem
roses are red
violets are blue
what makes you think
I care about you
This is going to take awhile. Gee I hope it dissipates pretty soon.
Photo notes #1-3: Okay, it's the next morning and I'm still processing. I chose this photograph, since it best illustrates my mood, and where/who I am in relation to my path. It was shot in the parking lot of Pemberton Farms Market. Clearly someone had lost something very important. I hope they find it.
Photo notes #4-6: In the clickies are photos that I took while experiencing this mood, which I thought were somehow significant at the time. I find them aestheically weak, though message ridden. Notice that there is ice at the top of the pictures, thawing, sticks, as in stick it to someone, or yourself, and the eye (s), as in, try to watch your process rather than act it out, or, possibly the universe is watching, and then the triangles and all those shapes that would have been triangles had they had hypotenuses. And the clouds and the reflections and shadows, and the water and ice and clouds. Then there are the migratory birds and the turbulence. They're hardly pretty, but neither is any of this.