Dakota

Looks like a cross between Buddha and the Pillsbury Doughboy: an appropriate mixture, I think (the Dalai Lama reminds me of this!)

So today I play my violin in church, and pray I don't succumb to wobbles of nerves or emotion. Rehearsal went OK. And I tell myself: hardly anyone comes to Good Friday anyway. Our minister, somewhat eccentric, has brought clowns on-board. Seriously, this will be a clown service, and I am intrigued as to how this will work out. Reminds me of Tom Robbins' statement, "the clown is a creature of chaos" - picturing Jesus as a raggedy clown doing pratfalls from the cross. . .

The thing is, things are now pretty much stalled with Dr. Mate. I did finally say I'd like to get together with him to talk; but I have to say, my ambivalent vibe was not lost on those deely-bobs of his, as he hasn't even answered me, stirring up all my feelings of abandonment by the medical community, etc. I wonder what this is really all about. He is completely elusive. I ask myself, "Why?" (I mean, why pursue this when it is all so frustrating and keeps getting dead-ended over & over again.) Then I answer: well, because he's an original thinker for one thing,and writes very movingly. But so many writers turn out not to be the best representatives of their product, to put it kindly; I know a sensitive poet who is an absolute thug in person and put his partner in the hospital more than once, ending up in jail for assault. I idealize too much, and Reality is trying very hard to un-teach this pattern, to pull the rug out from under very hard. So it has been tough sledding lately: yet, there are signs of recovery. Vancouver has exploded into masses of pink blossom, and the trees everywhere are just heavy with flowers, a-buzzing with bees. I can't begin to do this justice, it's completely heady and intoxicating. Sproingggg! So I will try to make the best of it, and go meet the clowns. . .

M

dakota -- have you read the last (not this current issue just mailed out) edition of vanity fair? there is an article about blog-dom. I thought immediately about you --- You might find some ways to develop the site into absolute fabulousness.....

anyway, it made me think of you and gave me the thought that I might want to establish a blog myself.

cheerio

In my opinion, everybody needs a blog. You go girl. Would you take over the heavy duty psychological theory part, for starters?

I shall rush to my local market and purchase Vanity Fair immediately. Absolute fabulousness is definitely a goal to which I could glue myself. I just hope it won't involve reading too many instructions.

Dear Margaret -

I hope you aren't feeling abandoned. A comment just slipped in before I could reply. Hope you're scrolling.

Clowns in church? okay. Clowns in church on Good Friday? Are we talking about making the crucifixion fun? (Mel Gibson tried recently, I hear it was more like a horror movie, but... if you like that kind of entertainment).

Margaret, I hesitate to ask what song you are playing on the violin for this occasion. Don't worry about making mistakes. People will be distracted.

The clowns were a pleasant surprise. Not pratfall, pie-in-the-face clowns, though they wore traditional clown garb. They did some mime around what it is to be shunned and excluded, which was actually quite moving. Then they served communion in quite a moving and heart-touching way. Don't ask me how I ended up in a middle-of-the-road Christian church; I'm an uneasy fit there at the best of times, but the main reason is, I get appallingly lonely in my life as a writer, in which I sit in a room by myself all day, every day. I whimper for human contact, and I do find it here; there are flashes of authentic experience, though also lots of frustration at how unenlightened the average churchgoer is.

The piece was "Were You There (When They Crucified My Lord)"; I played a line, the soloist, an alto, sang a line, then the chorus came in. . . Actually it went over pretty well. As I said, there are moments, but my real sense of Presence came when I took a long trail walk that afternoon with Also Sprach Zarathustra by Richard Strauss on my portable CD player. . . power and might!

I take my moments where I find them.

M

Dear Margaret-

This doesn't sound like any middle of the road Christian church in which I have ever spooned ambrosia at a potluck.

I thought you would be playing something from Andrew Lloyd Weber on the violin for their performance. Did the clowns serve animal crackers for communion? Really, I can't imagine that their act was easily integrated into the context of the Good Friday service. Are they Christian clowns? Do they have a website?

I am pleased that you had a spring walk to Strauss. I took a bike ride today, but I only hummed to myself.

Best for the ressurection.

Dakota